A Father's Day

Father's Day is an odd day for someone like me. Father's Day has been hard growing up for as long as I can remember. I couldn't wait for Father's Day to come and leave because it brought so much emotion that I didn't want to feel. When Father's Day would come, I would feel alone, numb, and sad to the point that I would pretend like it was another day. I remember watching other families with dads, and I would envy them and often wondered what it would be like to have a dad that's present. How much my life would've been different if he was still alive? and if my father was still here, what kind of man would I be today?

 When my dad died, I felt this hole in my heart that was missing, and I didn't know how to fill it or even cope with my father's death. All I knew at the age of 12 was that he was gone, and I felt this deep sorrow inside.  Growing up without a father was lonely. Whenever I would tell people my father died, people would begin to feel sad or sorry for me. I hated that feeling. The feeling of others feeling sorry for me was hard because it opened me up in a vulnerable way that was too heavy to hold. I didn't want to feel sad or even allow others to be with me in that sadness; I just wanted to keep moving through life and pretend that the death of my father didn't affect me and that I was okay. I wanted to keep that part of my life private and closed, choosing never to open up the wound that I had. I guess I feared that If I would open up and share what was on my heart about my father's death, then I would bleed and wouldn't be able to patch myself up again. It was all too much to handle.

Thoughts taken Captive

I lost an important figure in my life that I can't get back. I do miss my dad daily. After a while of living my life avoiding the sadness of dad's death, I realized something. I realized that to heal, I must be honest with myself. There's this quotes that says, "Truth will set you free And Truth has a name" This quote is timely because I had difficulty accepting my truth. And the name of my truth is grief. I just wanted to avoid how I was feeling for years. I needed to grieve the death of my father in order to move on and truly be free of the pain.  Also, I believe that God has given me wisdom and helped me to gain what I lost through having a relationship with Him. Even though I feel this hole inside, I believe God has filled that hole with love and acceptance, as God is my father. I believe God is the answer to every hole we feel is empty or needs filling in our lives. In some ways, God filled the hole in my heart, spiritually, with God being a provider for me when I needed things, a protector of me when I didn't feel safe, and even loving when I didn't feel lovable. I will say that other times, God's provided practically through asking others to mentor me, and I've learned and seen what it means to be a man of Christ, a husband, and even a father.

 Fast-forwarding to this year, my first Father's Day is coming up. I used to not feel and rush through the day, but this time, it's different. I feel all the emotions on this day. I feel grief, perplexity, gratitude, and even joy. Now that I'm a father, I've come close to understanding how my father experienced fatherhood. My family told stories that my father would like to watch me sleep and would be in awe that he helped create something beautiful. I often find myself doing the same to my daughter.

I'm in awe that I've created something beautiful. I'm honored to have this title and won't take it lightly. I can see the pressure my father might have felt with being a dad. It's honoring that you have someone looking up to you, but there's also this pressure to be an excellent example for your kid. I remember trying to mimic my dad, and he corrected me. I didn't understand then, but now I see that he wanted me to be better than he was. I see why he would say I made his day better and why he would say that I was a good reason for him to keep pushing even through the pain he experienced. I see why he chose to keep things fun and light around me; perhaps he knew that it's good not always to take life so seriously. I began to notice why he valued being close and showing affection because you see how short time is as you age. And I can see how his love for me was unimaginable and uniquely indescribable.

 I do wish I had more time with him. I wish he could've seen me at my best and my worst. I wish he could've gotten to meet his granddaughter and how he would've taught me so much. My memories of him are slipping the older I get, but I will never forget how he made me feel. I will continue to look to God as my heavenly father, and I will continue to hold both emotions on this day. Father's Day is challenging because of the loss I've experienced, but also great joy because I'm a father now, and I've had some great memories with my dad. I'm grateful to be still on this earth and to have been given a chance to be a father.  It is a great blessing to be a father and to share my thoughts on a Father's Day.